I tend to be a very private person, that's always how I've been. Over the past several month though, there's been a lot that has happened in my life. So, I feel like this will help me a lot to express my feelings and serve as an opportunity to come back later and realize just how far I've come.
Let's go back to the beginning of April... I was super excited to know that I would be graduating from college during this month but was also starting to feel stressed. You know the stressed where you start having nightmares about your preceptor and worry about having everything completed and then worry about passing boards and finding a job.
April 7th, the day I will never forget. I was working on my last journal due the next morning at 8 am. I received a phone call from my sister around 4:15, she was BAWLING. I never, ever, expected to hear what she said to me. She told me my dad had a stroke and was being life flighted to Riverside in Columbus. My heart broke, I couldn't believe what I heard but frantically grabbed my purse and somehow managed to drive from my apartment in Fairborn to Springfield. My brother-in-law then drove us to Riverside. As someone who was almost completely done with nursing school, my mind was filled with so many what if's. My sister and I got there before my mom did and the decision was left to us to choose to give TPA or not. The whole time all I could think about was a professor saying " It's great to give, but can also do a lot of harm as well". TPA breaks the blood clot but can also cause severe bleeding on the brain. We ended up saying yes to give the medication, but the whole time I knew I would never forgive myself if my dad had massive bleeding.
There was very little bleeding on his brain, they do say though that my dad had a moderate stroke. During his hospital stay, we continually went over who we were, what we did, how old my dad was, where we lived etc. This was definitely the hardest part to deal with, knowing that my own dad doesn't seem to know who he is or who we were. My dad was very lucky though to only experience memory loss, expressive aphasia and difficulty writing.
Dad was hospitalized for 5 days with about half of that time spent in the Neurological ICU. Everyday, we saw improvements in his speech and memory. He came home that Thursday night and I was forced to go back to school that night to finish class activities.
Less than two weeks after my Dad suffered a stroke, I moved out of my apartment and back home. A week later I graduated from college. I was beyond excited to have him there for that day. I will never forget telling my dad while he was hospitalized that he had to get better so he could go to something that I had in a few weeks and I asked him what that was. He told me my vacation was coming up! I couldn't help but laugh because yes I was "vacating" school.
The month of April was probably the craziest month on my life. So much heart break and yet celebrating accomplishments at the same time. I look back on my life and think it's funny how I thought I was stressed before all of this happened . Yet, I then look at that month and can see that I've never had so much stress (good and bad) in my life. It's honestly like I was slapped back and forth with it 25,000 times until I honestly couldn't take any more.
I look at life differently now. In fact, I would say I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm 22 years old, a college graduate. I plan my work schedule around my mom's so that I can take my dad to speech and occupational therapy. I give insulin atleast once a day. I've also been to the point that I could honestly laugh or cry at some of the things my dad has said. I'm not complaining, trust me . This was a major wake up call for my family. Yes life will never be the same but we are very aware of how lucky we all are.
At the same time through all of this, I have experienced the gamut of emotions. From feelings of my lowest lows to being thankful, and happy. I've also become angry at times. Yes, angry at seeing people complain of the littlest things of their lives. Btw, I've never been an angry person ever. And sometimes, I feel selfish. Selfish because I know that my life is different and I realize my worries and concerns are different than what they used to be. It's hard to explain. I never thought at only 22 years old that I would be going through these things.
I appreciate life more and wish that other people would too. You never know when you or your loved one's life may be cut short so make the most of it.
